Creating Intimacy

In my work doing couples counseling, I am often surprised at how unskillful many of us are at intentionally creating emotional intimacy with those we care about.
I've found it useful to distinguish between three types of activities that can create intimacy:

1) Shared activity - side by side - here the focus is on the activity, but by doing it together we feel more connected. This can range from seeing a movie together, to going for a walk, to having sex. The distinguishing feature is that the focus is on doing the activity and the intimacy occurs on the sly. Men are often more comfortable with this sort of intimacy.

2) Emotional sharing - face to face - here the focus is on each person getting to share his or her experience and being understood by the other. Intimacy occurs directly through a deepening of verbal and emotional understanding of one another. Examples are talking on the phone, chatting over tea or dinner, or having a heart to heart talk. Women are often more comfortable with this style than are men.

3) Display - performer/audience - here the focus is on one person openly displaying themselves to one or more others. The intimacy created here is one-sided as one person is allowing him or herself to be seen or known and the other is the audience. Common examples are arts and performances of all kinds. Often the audience member can feel verty close with the performer, while the performer can know nothing about that person. This kind of thing also occurs in psychotherapy, other healing relationshiups and parenting. Men and women have differnent ways of doing this one. Realtionships can be made more intimate by taking turns with this one.

What is your experience creating intimacy? Might you be able to improve your relationships by using these on purpose?

If you like these ideas, you may enjoy the articles on my website at
http://www.nando-r.com/MN.asp?pg=c600